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Animated Atrocities 123/Transcript
Introduction Mr. Enter: I cannot believe what we're watching today. This is something that's LONG been overdue. Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is anything but. It's more like a cavalcade of crap. I don't think it's any secret that I'm not the biggest fan of Seth MacFarlane's brand of humor, if the number of Family Guy episodes that I reviewed didn't give you that hint, but today, we have something special. You see, when it comes to Family Guy, he and his crew have to answer to things like network executives, and ratings, and censors. But Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy is a web series, where you do not have to do anything of that. In fact, several of the shorts didn't even follow the YouTube terms of service. Normally, I don't tackle web animations on Animated Atrocities. ''I don't think it's really fair to criticize people in this style for things that they created out of passion, that they most likely made for themselves, probably without even a budget. This, however, isn't your typical web series. It had three major sponsors in its two-year lifespan: Burger King, Nike, and Priceline.com, made by the head of ''Family Guy, ''one of the most popular shows on television at the time. And if you wish, you can buy this show on DVD or Bluray. Even one of those attributes would make this fair gain for review, because there is ''no excuse for this to be as bad as it is. What we have here is a compilation of short skits of "animation" anywhere from five seconds to three minutes. And you'll see that the animation syle is VERY reminicent of Family Guy, like exactly the same as Family Guy. This is because, and there is no way to convince me that this isn't the truth, this is a series of cutaway gags that were too stupid, offensive, lazy, or disgusting for Family Guy itself! Let me repeat that: This is the stuff that was not good enough to become Family Guy cutaway gags! There are around fifty different shorts. (A counter appears in the top right corner of the screen) I am going to be reviewing every single one of them. Cheers! Disclaimer Mr.Enter: I usually put a disclaimer myself on videos like this that can get kind of disturbing, but the video itself has one. "Hey, I put land mines everywhere! But it's okay because I'm telling you that I put land mines everywhere!" By the way, "blood shed" is one word. There's also other forms of bodily waste that you did not tell the audience about. And sexual themes tend to be a separate content rating from the full nudity that is to follow. I... Yeah, I'm stalling. Let's get into the good stuff. The Frog Prince (A princess is walking by a castle when suddenly she hears a frog on a lily pad in a pond talking) Frog: Hey. How's it going? Our first short is about the Frog and the Princess fairytale. And here, we see one of the recurring problems of the entire series. Seth is usually a great voice actor, but in this series, he, uh.. he kinda doesn't give a shit and most of his voices sound almost exactly like Brian Griffin. Now, let's talk about the other nintey-nine percent of the problems with this series. Princess: You're--You're still a frog. Frog: Yeah, you also have to reach one hand under me and lightly touch the underside of my penis. The joke here is that the frog prince isn't really a prince. There's an idea for a joke here, and honestly, that puts this one on a higher ranking than most of the other shorts. It could have been a deconstruction of the fairytale, have a princess kiss an actual frog and have the frog react accordingly. But it just gets lost in its desperate plea to be as disturbing as possible! (A second princess walks up) Frog: Hey, there. Second princess: (gasps) A frog prince! I'm supposed to kiss you, right? Frog: No, actually, you're supposed to take a dump on my back. A Scotsman Who Can't Watch a Movie Without Shouting at the Screen Let me sum up this short... (with Scottish accent) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!! THIS SCOTTISH ACCENT IS FUNNY! LISTEN TO HOW FUNNY THIS ACCENT IS THAT ISN'T YOURS!!!! ISN'T IT HILARIOUS THAT THIS GUY IS TALKING ABOUT A MOVIE IN THE PRIVACY OF HIS OWN HOME?! (with normal voice) Can we please have a joke that isn't, I don't know, completely fucking boring? (The poster of Pixar's ''Brave appears with the caption "Funniest movie ever made, right?)'' No, wait. Can we please have a concept that isn't three words? Scottish person talks isn't funny! AIDS Patient Zero Oh, we are on a roll already. Hey, you know what else is funny? The Bubonic Plague! You know, it killed, like, two-thirds of the earth's population at one point? That was hilarious. The funniest season of Life on Earth, I can tell you that. This joke starts off so fucking slowly, because "AIDS is so funny on its own!" Flight Attendant: Hello. Chimp: Hi. Flight Attendant: What's that you're reading? Chimp: Oh, I'm just reading this LA Times piece on campaign reform. Flight Attendant: Oh... Where ya flying to? Hey, I'm about to blow your mind, drop a fucking truth bomb on you: Accents are not jokes. "This guy talks different than me! I am rolling on the floor right now!!" Then, we have this guy having sex with the monkey. Not entirely sure, but I don't think that's how gay sex works. Flight Attendant: Oh, hey, listen. There's something I need to tell you. Chimp: What's that? Flight Attendant: I have this disease that kinda makes your immune system sorta...go away. Get the joke to this two-minute set-up? They made you think that the human was gonna get the disease from the monkey, but the monkey got the disease from the human! I'm telling you this because the punchline has all of this random crap in the middle! If this gag was only the last five seconds, it would have gotten up to...the level of your standard Family Guy cutaway gag. Chimp: Great. Flight Attendant: Hey, thanks for not making me wear a condom. Chimp: Oh yeah, no problem. AIDS!!! Laugh at it! LAUGH AT IT!!!!'' AIDS is funny, right?!' Cat Staff Meeting WOW! They actually fucking did it. They made a boring cat video! Scientific probability of this was theorized to be nil. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU '''DONE'!? This could possibly break the universe as we know it! The aliens are gonna take over and we can't stop them now! Cat videos were the only thing keeping the super reactor distracted enough to halt a hostile alien attack on us! It's gonna be MASSIVE HYSTERIA! Cats and dogs will be living together!! Oh my fucking God, I made a Ghostbusters reference in 2016! '''''WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE NOW!!! Mountain Climber So, this short starts with the mountain climber taking a shit. Climber:' '''Uh oh. I gotta poop. It's the first time we get to see shit in the series, but certainly not the last. And it falls on a wedding. '''Preacher':' '''We are gathered here today to ask the blessing of the Lord, our God, for this union of Mark and Stephanie. You know, this would've been a lot funnier if we actually didn't see the mountain climber. And the shit inexplicably fell from the sky, like it actually was from God, considering that's apparently the joke here. Especially because the preacher was looking up towards the mountain. Any possible comedy is killed by the banter at the end going on far longer than it should have. The Bartender Says... This is a minute of a horse getting offended. Once again, this is a joke that could have worked, if it didn't go on rambling for so long. It just goes on and on about nothing and I keep wanting Bojack Horseman to appear in the corner and beat the SHIT out of everyone! Is that normal? '''Horse: '''Alright, me too. '''Mike: '''Look, I'm Mike and this is Harry. '''Sarah J. Parker: ...'Sarah Jessica Parker. GET IT!? '''Cause I don't!! You may understand that I'm ranting and raving, but these things truly are horrible. You know it's one of the things that I consider... THAT bad. Some of the worst animated comedy that I've ever seen. So, I think it's kind of appropriate, but I also know that we have, like, 40 of these things to go, but to prove it to you... Name That Animal Penis! ...this one is the worst of the entire lot. I know that that we have, like, 40 of these things to go, but I'm calling it here and now. The joke is that Seth wanted to shove an animal's dick in our face for about a minute. And this is one of the longest shorts out there. Even though I'm censoring it, they show it in the actual short, and they describe it in quite the detailed fashion. '''Man: Hello? Kevin: Dad, it's Kevin. What kind of animal's penis is brown and purple, about a foot and a half, and really veiny? Man: What? Kevin: Has a strong, kind of burnt-smelling odor? Man: Kevin, it is the middle of the night! I actually had to watch this. The joke is more or less "penis!" Wow, they finally got into the sixth grade! "Do you get it? It's a penis, and it's a thing! It does penis things! Are you laughing now? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LAUGH!!! YOU NEED TO REASSURE ME THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE SOME GODDAMN TALENT! IT'S A FUCKING PENIS! PLEASE LAUGH AT IT!!!! What I'm saying is that this short reeks of desperation and insecurity of one's comedic talent, relying on staples of juvenile humor that most professional comedians have long since moved past. It could be funny of the contestants were forced to be here, and they didn't want to be here, but no. The joke is penis because penis! Discomfort, the characters, not the audience, is a very important part of comedy. Die, Sweet Roadrunner, Die Wil E. Coyote, with the voice of Brian Griffin, kills the Roadrunner. I'm sorry, but I have this twinge; almost knee-jerk thing where whenever I hear Brian Griffin's voice, I go into a murderous rage and have to kill the thing closest to me. Does anyone else have this problem? So Wil E. Coyote gets a job at a restaurant, which he botches. And then he tries to commit suicide. And then he becomes religious. I-I really don't get the joke. Like, I don't even see where the joke even is. People becoming religious isn't a joke! He felt that he didn't have purpose in his life, so he tried to commit suicide, then he became religious. Is this some kind of clever observation, that Wil E. Coyote doesn't have a point without the Roadrunner? Because anyone else who watched the show knows that; it's not some kind of world changing revelation. Sex With... #1 And now, we get a series of shorts all about having sex with random people, objects, or animals. It's ''exactly as stupid as it sounds! But someone must have found it funny, or incredibly, incredibly easy... (clears throat) because they made three of these fucking compilations! Seth forgets that he chose comedian as a job and shoves his impressions in our face detatched from any form of comedy whatsoever. '''Man: Hey! You're not a dead body! Helena: No, I'm Helena Bonner Carter. Man: Oh. Helena: Yes, it's an honest mistake. It happens all the time. "WE GOT A DORING DUNN SAYING THEM MOST OBVIOUS THING ABOUT THIS PERSON AND CALL IT COMEDY!" Please kill me. Hell is better than this. A Fat Guy Working Out Here-- Here's the joke. Let me let you in on a little secret. This joke is so... built in to the short that you probably... didn't notice. HUR DEE DUR IT'S A FUCKING FAT PERSON! LOOK! LOOK!! IT'S A FAT PERSON! ARE YOU LOOKING AT IT? LAUGH!! LOOK AT THE FAT PERSON! ISN'T IT FUCKING HILARIOUS!?! And there are three shorts with this joke... The Gay Knight Now, considering that homosexuals were killed in the medieval ages, this is an odd premise for a joke. it might be able to work if someone wanted to spend a few minutes creating a sense of misdirection. You know, have a heterosexual knight act stereotypically gay and then switch it at the end. But no. Do you know what they do here? They just wrote Brian's cousin Jasper in a suit of armor. Knight: Fuck no! King: What? Knight: No way! That's, like, crazy shit you're talkin' right there, king! Yeah, gee, no shit. I wonder why. Oh, maybe it's because it's fucking huge and breathes all, like, fire and shit? Yeah, that might have something to do with it. You know the character that everyone, especially members of the LGBT community absolutely loathe for being nothing but an annoying stereotype? Gay is not a personality! So the joke is that gay people are less honorable and more cowardly than straight people. I mean, the straight knight would've saved the day! So, what-what was the joke here? Oh, that's right. Stereotypical depictions of gay people are absolutely flat out hilarious! How many more do we have to go? A Douchebag Unicorn Gives a Public Service Announcement You know, sometimes, the first thing that comes into your head is not the one you want to go with. What the hell is the joke? Just because the sentence sounds funny for the first two seconds doesn't mean you can make it a full short. None of these desparaging elements elevate this joke any higher. And no, it's not surrealism, it's laziness! Actually funny comedy takes work. Getting the joke right is a very hard thing to craft. Or no, you just put random whatever on screen and call it a day! Could you imagine if, uh... The Three Stooges followed that guide of comedy? If the unicorn was talking about cliches that you'd normally find in a girls' cartoon and giving a PSA about that, and subverting them somehow, then this would work. But no, he's talking about...smoking pot. Something that has no association with unicorns whatsoever. They keep coming up with these new ideas right on the spot because it's that fucking easy. Maybe this is a reference to a specific PSA, but otherwise, it's just nonsense. Unicorn: Be sure to keep a pen and pad by your bed to write down all your thoughts. You might surprise yourself. And don't be lazy and just repeat 'em in your head over and over. '''''WRITE 'EM DOWN!! And you, too can make shit! Fred Flintstone Takes a Shit This is one still image with Fred Flintstone making the same shit noises looped for an entire minute. When this happened in Family Guy, back when the censors actually, you know, told the people "No," we had Peter Griffin moving around and then farting Dueling Banjos, so the joke's... already kinda been done. And they thought it was so funny that they need to make it even lazier. (Fred groans, makes stool, then laughs) I mean, if you played, like, some chainsaw sound effects or something, this might work. (Fred groans, makes stool, then laughs) Wait, my mistake. This isn't a short. I must've accidentally hit the making of special feature on the DVD. (Fred groans, makes stool, then laughs) You know that Seth was gonna reboot The Flintstones? That would've been nice. There's not even a "Yaba Daba Doo Doo!" A Dog on The $25,000 Pyramid Didn't think the title was funny? Then you're not gonna find this short funny. Moving on. Super Mario Rescues the Princess This is one of the better ones, even though it has a couple of notable problems. The main problem being that it's a part of Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy, which is on a mission to kill the concept of comedy! So, after Mario saves the princess, she refuses to give him a kiss. Princess Peach: Ooh, you leaped a bunch of mushrooms. I'm so impressed. Hey, um... yeah, I played the game. That was in it. Mario: I did not just leap a bunch of mushrooms. There were also these turtle shell things I have to jump over, and that was-- it was really hard. Yeah, I remember that part of the game too. Anyone else in the mood for Dorkly? You know, Dorkly... It's web series of pixel animations that make video game parodies, kind of like this. Except they actually put effort into it! And they actually critique the flaws and tropes of a game! exempt from Dorkly's "Bowser Wants a Gun" Koopa: Stay back, man! Stay back!! Bowser: No, go ahead. Shoot me. fires, to which Bowser jumps on it Bowser: Oh. Oh, you see that? You see how I was able to jump on top of the bullet? You ever think bullets were supposed to be 4 feet tall and go 10 miles an hour? Koopa: Huh? They don't just say what actually happened in the game. Adopted Do you see this still frame image? Do you find this still frame image funny? No? Then this will be a waste of a minute of your life. You do find it funny? Great, you've gotten all the laughs you could get out of this by watching this one still frame image. Moving on. We have a lot to do today. Stuck in a Life Raft with Matthew McConaughey This is a person the writer doesn't like. We're just going to put them on screen for a while and hope that the audience doesn't like them either. That's how celebrity satire works, right? Two Persian Guys Try to Get Ladies into Their Sports Car Do you think the title is funny? No? Then this'll be a waste of your life. I'm going to keep saying this a lot because that's what most of these "shorts" are. They're not jokes. They're titles. He Who Lives in a Glass House... Of the shorts, this is probably the best. Even though they used this pun in a previous short. It's absurd, but it's harmless enough and it managed to get a laugh out of me because the joke actually connects for once. Sex With... #2 Because adult comedy begins and ends with sex, they think they can get the most mileage out of sex with random whatevers. Starting with- Cheney beats up a woman's face Dick Cheney: '''Was it good for you? '''Woman: ''(crying) Yes? '''Dick Cheney: '''Good. Oh, so they DO find domestic abuse funny! That's good to know! So, is Gilbert Gottfried gonna be in the live-action version of Aladdin? I'm sorry, this is just so banal I don't have anything else to say. Quentin Tarantino Performs a Circumcision Hey, remember when I said that the animal penis short was the worst? I was WROOOONG! Why the fuck are all the worst shorts exclusive to the DVD? What the hell kind of marketing sense does that make? So, what happens in this one? Quentin Tarantino comes in and starts hacking at an infant with a FUCKING KATANA! While blood is squirting and the infant is crying! What is the point here!? 'Quentin Tarantino makes violent movies, so let's have him be violent with an infant! That's absolutely hilarious!' Is it funny because he's stabbing and cutting at the DICK? Of an INFANT!? Honestly, everything about this makes me sick to my stomach and I can't even watch. And besides that ''of the web animation "Little Quentin" we have a better animated online short about Quentin Tarantino! Maybe this one would be more tolerable, but they keep playing the baby screaming sound throughout all of this thing! Like, we're supposed to find a child getting mutilated funny! But GOD DAMN!! And they have Quentin talking and talking like anyone ever gave a shit about it while he's hacking at an infant! Just because this goes on for way longer than it should have does not make it funny. And the joke that it ends on is so stupid and nonsensical that I can't even describe it. Fred and Barney Try to Get into a Club You do know that there are other cartoon characters that you could be using, right? I understand that you may have felt like you squandered your chance the last time you tried to use the Flinstones in this "Cavalcade", but maybe you shouldn't have Fred Flintstone taking a SHIT FOR OVER A STILL FRAME FOR AN ENTIRE FUCKING MINUTE! 'Fred and Barney can't get into a club because they don't have any women with them. This gag is tired and done. I'm sure they were doing this when the actual ''Flintstones were aring! Just having Fred and Barney there reading the lines doesn't magically make it funny. For this to work, you have to use characters that you'd never expect to be there, or characters with weird mannerisms and ways of thinkings. '''Fred: Hey, what the fuck is your problem, dude?! Oh, fucking balls-y! You had Fred Flintstone drop the F-bomb! Truly the master of subverting the innocence of older cartoons! (Cut to an old Winston's cigarette commercial starring the Fred and Barney) Barney: Hey, I got a better idea. (pulls the cigarrettes out of his shirt) Let's take a Winston break! Fred: (takes a cigarette) ''That's it! Winston is the one stiff cigarette that delivers flavor twenty times a pack! The Wizard of Oz, Adjusted for Reality I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! I don't understand why any of these guys are freaking out. I mean, this is what they actually ''fucking '''WANTED' in the movie. There is no indication until the end that the scarecrow didn't want an ''actual fucking brain. You know, in the actual book, the Tin Man was tin because he was cursed to hack off each of his limbs violently with an ax. I'm actually surprised that the scarecrow didn't get the brain of someone that Seth thought was stupid, that the Tin Man got the heart of someone Seth thought was evil, and the lion got the spine of someone he thought was reckless. Otherwise, it-it's just the same joke three fucking times! Dorothy: Can you get me back to Kansas? Wizard: No, that's gonna be a tall order. But what I can do is make Oz more like Kansas! I've abolished all scientific research of any kind, institued mandatory bible study and church service attendance seven days a week, forbidden the teaching of evolution in public schools, (pulls out a baseball bat) ''and here's a baseball bat for you to beat this gay guy. '''Gay Guy': Hi, there! Well, go on; get to it! I'm not gonna beat myself! Hey, did you hear? Seth MacFarlane doesn't like conservatives! I wanted to point that out because I don't think the short made it clear enough, even though he writes gay people the exact same way using stereotypes that are tiresome, if not offensive, that have been used to demonize members of the gay community. Once again, gay is not a personality! Monkeys Talk About Religion Oh God, please don't... Monkey Son: Dad, today at school my teacher said that we evolve from other animals. That's not true, is it? Monkey Dad: Of course not, Stephen. We were created by Monkey God in his monkey image. Did you hear? Seth MacFarlane hates the strawmans of religious and conservative people! I.. I don't even get the joke here. If people were monkeys, then their god would be a monkey. What... what IS the joke? You know, it's actually kind of a clever idea to have animals discuss aspects of human culture, and it's been done well many times before. But that's not by making them act more like humans. It's by making them act wiser than humans! This is a concept that was handed to you on a silver platter, tried and true, and you did literally nothing with it! This joke... short doesn't even have a punchline! Marital Troubles It's alright. Middle of the road. Decent buildup to an actual punchline. Nothing special. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? chicken walks up to a woman Chicken: Hey, baby. Sorry I'm late. walk into a hotel. Cut to black. To Fuck Your Mother in the Ass What's the matter? Does other people's anti-humor annoy you? Maybe you should take it as a memo. By the way, did you know "why did the chicken cross the road" is actually a suicide joke? Sex With... #3 Please be done already! Stupid. lowbrow, nonsensical failure to understand even the basics of comedy! Backstage with Bob Dylan Stage Manager: Great show, Mr. Dylan! Dylan: (makes noises) Woman: Mr. Dylan, Tom Waits is here to see you. Dylan' and Waits': (make noises) These people talk funny! Get it?! The only people entertained by funny voices are'' two years old!'' I'd rather be watching television static right now! Barry Gibb Rides a Roller Coaster Gibb increases his voice as the roller coaster goes up, letting out a loud high note as the ride goes down BREATHTAKING! Mad Cow Disease COWS! COOWWWS! FUCKING COWS!! COOOWWWS! COOOWWWWS! MOTHER FUCKING COWS!!! Bad punchline. A Scotsman Who Still Can't Watch a Movie Without Shouting at the Screen (Scottish accent) ''HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! LISTEN TO THE RICH ''BROGUE OF THE SCOTTISH PERSON!!! LISTEN TO IT!'' ''HEAR ITS CELTIC HERITAGE DENSE ONTO YOUR EARDRUMS AND TAKE YOUR WHIMSY AWAY!!! (normal voice) There was so much potential in this one joke that you needed a goddamn sequel to it!!! And WHY ARE THESE SOME OF THE LONGEST?!'' It's just a Scottish guy shouting at movies! And-and you know, I didn't want to say anything but...(a screenshot from ''The Simpsons is shown) ...Simpsons'' did it. Dirty Vaudeville 'Performers: '(singing) My gal has got two eyes of blue and curls of brown/She always makes me smile when I am feeling down/Whenever I am with her I just grin like a clown/'Cause my gal's pussy is the smallest in town. You know, you could be like Voltaire and actually be clever with your songwriting. excerpt of Aurelio Voltaire's song "The Dirtiest Song that Ain't" 'Voltaire: '''If you wanna go on the radio/There are words you just can't say. Down in Carolina I met a girl with a nice-/So I reached down between us and I whipped out my- Help me go on the radio/And say those words I can't/You got to sing along/To make this song "The Dirtiest Song that Ain't". Or you can do this. '''Performers: '(singing) She's like a beauty queen who wears a shiny crown/And anytime she sees that I am starting to frown/She's always got the thing to turn it upside down/'Cause my gal's pussy is the smallest in town. It SOUNDS decent, but it doesn't actually push the envelope, since this came out in 2008, and pop music itself has pretty much talked about every single aspect of even the raunchiest and dirtiest sex imaginable. Beavers: Assholes of the Forest Anyone else wanna watch Angry Beavers instead? '''Deer: God, can you believe this guy? What a... Fish: A vagina! Bird: Yeah, a vagina! From now on, beaver means vagina! Animals: Yeah! Narrator: And that is the origin of the term. I've never heard an asshole, beaver or otherwise, be referred to as a vagina. I mean, they've been called a douchebag, or a dick... Wait... You got the genitals reversed. When your comedy begins and ends with "HUR DEE DUR SEX!", how the hell do you do that? A Trip to the Therapist Oh, thank God. I need one after this. Get it? She's fat! It's the beginning and ending of the joke! This is a fat person, and... and that's the fucking joke! I thought these people were supposed to be progressives or something! If anything, this proves that they must be all out of fat jokes... Fat Jesus ...OH COME ON! It's Jesus, and they made him fat! Fat is automatically a joke now! Because if it's not, there ARE no jokes in this short! It's literally that! Even if it's trying, actively TRYING, to piss people off, it's too lazy to do so! They made Jesus fat and they did nothing else! Jesus even talks about nothing but food, cause that's all fat people do, apparently! Dracula Meets Magic Johnson He has AIDS! Get it? ...Wait. Didn't we have AIDS as the punchline in a previous short? You do know this is a web series, right? You don't have to keep reusing jokes and ideas to hit an episode total. Plus, aren't vampires like corpses that don't have an immune system anyway? The Sneeze Throw-Up Oh goody. see said sneeze throw-up I don't know what I was expecting. Give them this. It-it gives what it advertises, unlike this fucking series that it's a part of. The Settlers' First Attempt to Buy Manhattan from the Indians Once again, I don't really know what the joke is. You know that old phrase, "throw shit at the wall and see what sticks?" I think they went out of their way intentionally to use the stuff that didn't stick to the wall. Why Bob Marley Should Not Have Acted as His Own Attorney Lawyer: So, let me get this straight. Your defense is that you shot the sheriff, but you did not shoot the deputy. Bob Marley: '''Jah. Did you... even... LISTEN to the song? Or did you just watch that joke on The Simpsons? In the actual song, Bob Marley says that he shot in self-defense. I'm just saying, this makes me think that you haven't even listened to the song you're trying to make fun of, beyond the first couple of lines, but that would just be tacky. Jesus and Vishnu on Christmas Eve '''Jesus: '''Oh shit, look at that one! They must have spent like five thousand bucks on all those decorations. Hey, Vishnu! '''Vishnu: '''What? '''Jesus: '''Where are the decorations for your birthday? Isn't Christianity, like, the most popular religion in the United States? And Hinduism is one of the least popular mainstream religions? For observational comedy, you're not very observant. The sky is blue! I FUCKING BLEW YOUR MIND EVERYBODY! '''THE SKY IS FUCKING BLUE! Ted Nugent is Visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past Obvious jokes about Ted Nugent. If you don't like Ted Nugent, you've probably heard these jokes elsewhere. By the way, why would Ted Nugent need to be taught about the spirit of Christmas? Four Years of Entourage in Ten Seconds Ooh, I really like this concept! Let me try! 17 Years of Family Guy in 9 seconds scene from Doggy Poo with added mouth fart sounds That joke was too easy. I apologize... But just because they're willing to waste their jokes on a silver platter doesn't mean that I will, but, to be fair, they probably won't do something like that again. Tara Reid is Not Looking So Good Lately Grammar much? This one's stupid. Things You Never Hear Of all the laziest piece of shit 'Take That's,' this one is the laziest I've ever seen! Guy 1: I really enjoyed National Treasure 2. Guy 2: Me too. It answered every question I had about National Treasure 1. Look, I can do it! A Million Ways to Die in the West is an underrated masterpiece. I felt that Bordertown was cut off way too soon. It's definitely filling a hole in prime-time television. Family Guy has SO been getting better recently! I think the show should've ALWAYS been like this! Ted 2 was so much better than the first one; I can't wait for the next installment. '''''YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S TRUE, RIGHT!?? Do you think I would've won the contest where the winner got to buy Seth MacFarlane dinner at Burger King? I did not say that wrong. The winner of the contest got to buy Seth MacFarlane dinner at Burger King. I am so fucking sick of all this! Even if you agreed with me, it doesn't mean you found what I said funny! If you want to do nothing but share your opinions, start writing editorials or start vlogging! I'm sorry, but this is one of the shorts that pissed me off the most, and this series is REALLY pissing me off! You can inject your opinions into comedy, but the comedy comes first! When you have big brand sponsors, no censorship, and no constraints whatsoever, you should be able to do more than this! There are no attempts at comedy, just barebone attempts to shove opinions down you people's throats, making no pretense about it! Guy 1: Wanna know why I joined the republicans? The pussy. Guy 2: I hear ya, bro. I am getting seven kinds of laid. Okay, so guys who become democrats are just doing it to get laid and republicans are able to fight their baser urges. And no, I'm not a republican. I am getting very agitated. Like, unbelievably agitated... Small Talk with Aunt Helen I don't get the reference. If the audience doesn't get the reference, then the joke should be invisible. Moving on. Two Ducks Watch Meet the Parents Hey... Hey Seth. Do you want to start an internet review show? I mean, it's not that hard. You can even have the two ducks gimmick like you do here. You clearly want to do nothing more than spill your opinions, comedy or story be damned. It'll probably be a good fit for you. This is Brian Griffin talking to Brian Griffin about a movie that Seth MacFarlane doesn't like. Jeff Goldblum Wafers Making fun of Jeff Goldblum's matter of speaking. Sure you don't wanna be an internet critic? END! FUCKING END! We're at the home stretch here... Marie Antoinette's Notepad Are you trying to say that Marie Antoinette was unfairly demonized? I mean, nothing about this makes sense within the context of the reference. I mean, shit and pussy are naughty words... What does this even mean? "Let them eat cake" pissed everyone off already! Are you saying that everyone could've been more pissed off? What's the joke!? Sheep Shearing This is one of the better ones. It's weird and stupid, but inoffensive. And now we end on... What Happens If You Feed a Dog Chocolate While He Wears a Tin Foil Hat in the Microwave Oh dear... Will It Blend tries Will It Die! So the joke is they're about to do a bunch of harmful things to an innocent dog. Way to go out on a bang! I mean, it holds for a while because they know you're cringing, that you're hesitating, until it explodes. By the way, Joe Cartoon beat you to the joke of animals dying horribly in kitchen utensils. If you're going to be shocking, you have to be original. The Conclusion And that was all 50 episodes of "Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy"! I know I got more angry and more abrasive than usual, but it-it just ticks me off in ways I don't know if I can even articulate. Any redeeming episodes in this were lost in the sea of utter tedious bullshit. If this is a Family Guy episode, I wouldn't call the worst- "Screams of Silence" still takes that cake-, but it's in the top 3 definitely. That is sad. As I keep saying, they had no constraints! They could have done whatever they wanted! And it-it's really bad when you prove that more executive control can sometimes be a good thing. The, like, 2 that I found decent, don't come close to canceling out the ones that I found absolutely reprehensible! We have jokes that aren't funny; jokes that don't make sense; jokes that don't exist; unnecessary references; unnecessary gross-out; lazy comedy; lazy animation and a fucking waste of time determined to insult its audience in any way possible. Sometimes directly and intentionally! All done worse than web series designed by beginners that didn't have anywhere near the commercial backing! I cannot think of this as anything other than the cutaway gags that were too stupid for Family Guy and FOX worsened to be cut before FOX stopped demanding they get cut. Normally, I'm all for creators getting more creative control, but it's clear to me the only reason that Family Guy was ever good is because somebody would tell them no back in the beginning. After they were revived, they could do whatever they wanted, because they knew that they'd get revived again. And so they did whatever they wanted and so Family Guy went down the toilet! On the Internet, people try unusual styles of animation or tell difficult stories, something that corporate executives wouldn't allow and they give animation to approaches that they don't think have a specific known or popular audience. When these people don't have to answer to anything, we get Quentin Tarantino stabbing an infant with a katana; dogs thrown into the microwave and all the things that should've been left on the cutting room floor. Maybe that's what this is! "Seth MacFarlane's Cutting Room Floor"! It's a cavalcade of CRAP! 50 EPISODES OF CRAP!! And it's easy! I-I don't normally say this, but it's EASY! It's almost as easy as repeating the same shit sounds over an image that someone else drew of a cartoon character that you didn't design! Want an example? A guy's minding his own business when Smokey the Bear comes in and beats him up. The guy wants to know why. Smokey the Bear told him that there was a forest fire in Arizona. The guy tells him that he's never been to Arizona. Smokey the Bear says: he knows. That's the problem. He told the guy that only YOU could stop forest fires. This is... I-I don't even have a word for it anymore. It hasn't been offensive in 20 years. It hasn't been stupid in 10. The best word is it's tired. I'm tired of it! We're all tired of this! It's been the same fucking schtick ever since Steve and Larry! Refusing to grow and build on itself, because it thinks that it's a GIFT to the animation world! Category:Transcripts Category:Season 5